TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely out of area. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have A different spot the place American Guys can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is really that he ought to quit making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to Trump Tower Damascus your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from space, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following acquiring the building's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not simply unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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